Wednesday, July 28, 2010

The Slippery Slope

Check out where my gaze is...
on the giant chocolate bunny.
Blah. That pretty much describes how I've been feeling this week. It hasn't been pretty folks. I have been really struggling since my son's birthday party on Saturday. We had so much leftover food and cake from the party we finally finished the leftovers today! We even had people take to-go containers after the party and we still had several days worth of party food. So what's the problem?

Me. I'm the problem. My cakehole is the problem. I know the simple solution would have been to just throw out some stuff, particularly the cake. Those of you that know me well know that I have a hard time throwing away food. The bottom line was just that I didn't want to. I want what I want when I want it. The fact that I realized this ugly truth revealed how much of an emotional/spiritual stronghold I have with food--well, chocolate cake.

I know most of you think I am being a total freak over this. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with occasionally overindulging with food and the like celebrating weddings and birthday parties. I just can't stop and go back to eating well after the party is over. When the fun food ran out you'd think it should have been the end of it, but no. I end up climbing the walls looking for the next fix.

A wise person asked me this week if it is worth it--meaning derailing from my healthy eating plan this week and eating half a sheet cake in order to 'get rid of it'. Is it worth feeling like crap afterwards and having your blood sugar go up and down like the Phantom's Revenge at Kennywood? Is it worth falling asleep on the couch in the middle of the afternoon from my little 'sugar coma' or my mood swings and self-loathing that follow? I always say I won't beat myself up this time, that I'll just treat myself today and tomorrow will be different. Well, tomorrow comes and the vicious cycle continues. Quoting Jacob from LOST, "It only ends once. Anything that happens before that is just progress."

I have also realized that I have been trying to correct my ways in my own strength. Why haven't I called on the Lord for His help? Do I not want His help? I think I have been oscillating back and forth between wanting to change and not wanting to change. So tonight I am offering up my prayer, "Lord, I really love sweets, but this thing is so out of control and it's effecting my health and well-being AND my relationship with you. Please help me. I am willing to be willing. Amen."

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